Hey I can write again..and no its not happy. (Poem is untitled)

My soul is maimed, tattered and torn, it is only pain I know, no wish to gain, no drive to know, just a ceaseless void, and empty cold.

I clutch it close, this cold I hold, this life line to existence, the only way I know, the only way to live, to endlessly exist, to hurt and withhold, to be maimed and cold, to exist instead of live, no life to call my own.

My soul is maimed, tattered and torn, it is only pain I know, no wish to gain, no drive to know, just a ceaseless void, and empty cold.

This empty cold, this pain, this tattered soul, this my life, my home. With no love to claim, and no true home, I wander lost, with no wander lust, no drive to continue, no passion to warm my weary soul. I want to stop, I want to cease and end, for this life to be over.

I want to end, I want to stop, to stop the pain and end the cold, to no longer hurt, to no longer be so dreadfully alone.

The empty cold is gone, the pain no more, my life is fleeing, in this barren land, this empty waste, with no home to claim, no drive to wander I lay my head to sleep, to rest and cease, to cease to screaming inside my head, to quiet to pain of my spirit. I wanted to leave it, leave it behind and call it an end, so I stopped, I let my self be carried away, quietly into that dark. To know no more, this pain, this cold, this maimed and tattered soul I could my home, and oh so sadly, called my own.

Ugh

Work headaches and exhaustion, I should be able to have something to share soon, just, empty on ideas at the moment. Sorry everyone, have good one, day or night.

Realization (mobile post)

You know, I was thinking of what kind of writer I want to be. I don’t want to fix the world, I can barely handle myself let alone that. I just, I just hope I can be someone worthy, someone who can use words and perhaps make a person lose thier self to a story, to just let someone enjoy something without them worrying for a moment, to be someone who’s words can perhaps ease the weight of it all for a second. It’d make everything worth it ya know? I have to be honest, I don’t belive I’ve done right by those who read my writings. I have tried but I have not simply done. To try is to fail, the possibility of failure, letting it in, it means I may not try hard enough, I might do less then is needed because that is all that is asked of me. I must DO the things I feel I must, starting with more regular posts here I feel. This should not be a past time, a hobby, it has to mean more, be more then that. So, it will be a passion, a consumption of words leading to not but bright inspiration and hope.

Current Projects

Well, currently, I’m working on a few things, some are on hold due to my general mood lately, as it stands the happier things I’m working on would not end up being happy, admittedly happy is hard for me to write, I am a pessimist after all. As for the other things, well, one I have plans for but haven’t really started as of yet, and the third I just recently had an idea to start so its still in the planning stage of things.

In the order of my, eh, admittedly haphazard priority, I’ll list and explain them, well a little bit anyway.

First, a simple unfinished rough draft of a love story called The Rain, a bit of a fated story that actually features, well, I list this more as a warning then as it being a feature (I’ve never felt it mattered but some do so well, here’s the warning.) It’s main characters are both female, it is a LOVE STORY, not a paperback porno, though I’ll admit as a writer those take skill to write I feel it’s the wrong genre for me, let alone for what I’m trying to go for with this story. Also in my personal opinion such things distracts from the over all idea of the characters to some people and limits your audience quite a bit. I’ll understand if you find such a thing isn’t something you’d read, but I hope it more because such things don’t strike your interest instead of some other, decidedly unsavory (in my opinion), reasons.

The second, which is more busy work then honest writing, is a poetry book. This is something I would like to put up some where for a fairly cheap price. It is, after all, my goal to live off my writings so it’d be a start anyway. However, as its more busy work then and editing I’ll admit I’ve been putting it off for my previous project, since it’s on hold until I can write something semi happy without killing someone off, I’ll likely be doing this some time soon.

The third, and possibly most ambitious project, would likely require more focus then the other two so I’d like to get those somewhere nearing completion or at least to where I’m satisfied with putting them on hold for a time. A text based game, of some sort, perhaps horror, perhaps romance, not sure yet, it might be amusing to see if I couldn’t do a combination of the two, a group thrown into a horrific setting, the player’s decisions making for both survival and perhaps some sort of happiness in whatever chaotic hell hole they find themselves in. Likely, as I do have some knowledge of flash, though of an older platform then the current one, I’ll likely try it with that first but, before I do any programming or the like I’d like to get the main scenario and characters roughed out, as well as player choices. I never did care for straight lines in such games, the first choices should come with the making of your character, as such the main character will likely be getting the most development before I do anything else, but, as I said, due to how extensive and ambitious this project will be I’ll likely at least get my poetry book together first.

As a side note, perhaps I’ll sound a tad bit offensive hear, but, if you have constructive criticism or benign posts on my current tasks, feel free, feel more then free, to post them. I obviously try to at least somewhat moderate the posts that get through, as such, posts I feel are too, how to say, cruel perhaps, will not be approved. I say this less because I think it will happen and more because this is the internet and trolls do exist, sadly enough, as do honest people who seem to not know better, again, not because I assume any of these unsavory types frequent my blog.

That’s all of it for now, thanks for reading! Really, thanks, and thanks for checking my posts, sorry if anything I said may have eh, been taken the wrong way, I honestly do think that most of the people I’ve seen check or like my posts seem like rather well rounded individuals, considering I’ve never gotten a single offensive comment. Just, some things seem to make some people a tad bit, cruel, I guess is a good way to put it. I do hope I didn’t word anything wrong here and end up insulting my readers but part of me felt it was needed, and I’m nothing if not honest with myself.

Have a good day/night! Thanks again for reading!

Bren

Not Dead Just Blocked, writers block.

Nothing really new, just, busy, I’ll admit I’ve been anticipating a game release that’s coming tomorrow and have actually been being, eh, kinda social if skype and gaming for a weekend off counts. I have been working on something but it as still unknown when, if ever, I’ll put it on here, as it’s not my regular genre in a way, and bit outside of the box for me. Just figured I’d say I am still active, just a bit behind schedule, I’ll be trying to do updates a bit more regularly after this, as my time allows.

 

In that darkness, what does grow?

Shadows move, and shadow flow, and in the darkness…what does grow? I see it seethe, twist and moan, and I am forced to wonder once more, in the darkness what does grow?

Shadow move and shadow flow, in that darkness something grows. It moves and twists like a creature in pain, and that dark that shrouds it is not for it’s own sake, but for mine, the shadows that conceal, that hide and refuse to reveal, protects my mind from that vile beast, that creature that lurks, but still as it seethes with in the murk….In those shadows that move and flow I am once more forced to wonder, in the darkness what does grow?

The shadows flee, like tattered cloth, I see it now, and I wish I had not. I know, I know, what with in that blight darkness does grow, and I wish I hadn’t wondered, oh I wish I didn’t know, ignorance is a bliss that I’ll sorely miss, as my light does fade, drawn into that blighted shade. For I know, I know, in that darkness what did grow, what grew within those twisted shadows that writhed and moved, now I wish I hadn’t wondered, oh how I wish I didn’t know, the vile beast that within that darkness did grow.

Tainted Shadows

People around, with smiles and not a single frown. Left behind, left in the dark, I what their light from the shadows shrouding my heart. I laugh and talk, and smile along, when in inside I’m shattered, feeling battered and broke, oh I wish I remembered, wish I knew, just how it was I stood being so truly alone.

I see their light, their love, the warmth and care, and somehow I want it, I taint their smiles with jealousy and I don’t know how I dare, I profane this light and hide in my shame, I just want to know, remember how it was when I was alone, aloof and standing aside. Safe in shadows that now blight my soul, I wish I could just deal with this pain, mind numbing cold.

I used to be fine, never caring, never daring, I didn’t want what they have, the silence was enough, now I can’t seem to look away from the warmth, the light of it all. I want this dark dispelled, these blighted shadows gone, I wish to see the world without my tainted soul.

How I wish I was no longer alone.