Retired – The Kingmaker

Ya know, I used to work for a living, in a matter of speaking anyway. Well, that got old, hell, I got old. Lets see…shit think I stopped counting about, oh fuck, around the sixth or seventh Henry got put on the throne,wait no it was the eighth one. He was the one that did the whole chop to the heads to wives if I remember right. Bit of an asshole really. Then again most kings are assholes, they’re the king.

Though I suppose I’m not one to talk eh?

Retired now though, moved out to the middle of fuck it all no where Texas, why? Cause guns are interesting, cool, and explosions? Shit I’m ancient and I think explosions are fun. When ya own all the land for miles, no one really gives two rats ass what you do.Besides, no one really expects a gun nut Texan of anything other than that really. Stereotypes can work for you at times really, now can’t they?

So I spend my days sleeping, and my nights blowing shit up. It’s fun, it’s interesting, and it’s not dealing with the assholes that actually have known me for any amount of time.

People think being around a while means you’ll find a reason to like someone. Well, people are stupid, damn stupid, and the longer you’re around someone the more you’ll want to tear their heart out, stamp on it, before hitching them to a car and dragging their still twitchin body round for a few miles.

Yes that was oddly specific, no I’ll not explain. This is dinner and a show, sadly, you’ll not be having dinner. Or rather, maybe you can…

Ya see, there are these assholes that just don’t get I’m retired, so here’s what you do, you go, and you tell them I’m retired, I don’t give a shit. However, wait, whats you’re name again darling? Beatrice? Who the hell still uses that dumb ass name? No matter, Beatrice, shit your parents hated you, did they beat you too? You don’t have to nod, just sit there, you go and you explain, that I don’t care that they don’t like me, they can do the village with the pitchforks and torches all they damn well please.

Just keep the hell off my property. I’m old, I’m angry, and I just want to be left alone. Don’t feel that’s too much to ask, what do you think? You can talk now honey, there you go. See? This is the beginning of a wonderful working relationship. Call this number, tell them you’re on retainer, name? Shit, call me King, nah, I’m kidding, names Al, least anymore. No last name, whats the point? No one to remember it but me anyway.

Go on now, git, before I start feeling hungry again.


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