On Preconceived Notions and Utter Bullshit

I’m honestly not sure if the title to this post is even remotely acceptable but its not going to be another poem, I feel like actually talking today so here we go.

People seem to have a lot of preconceived notions on how others should deal with their emotions. How someone should love, how someone should show they care.

How someone should grieve, how and for what reasons they’re allowed to be sad or even depressed.

I’ll tell you right now, its all bullshit. People, some people, not everyone but some, have this idea that bad things happen and then you just, restart, hit that little button on the side power back up and put a smile on.

That doesn’t always work. There are days, there are days where I think to myself, I’ll admit, I grieve, for being my idea of a fuck up. I don’t know how to even start going about fixing it. There are days that I look at myself, and I wonder where did the me that loved actually living go off to die and replace him with this drone that carries on?

There are some things, some losses in my life, that I don’t feel fully comfortable sharing on a public forum. It seems far too much like attention seeking for my sense of comfort, but I will say, that when you lose someone, that doesn’t stop, it doesn’t end. That process, that grieving process people say comes to a close eventually? It never REALLY does, there are days that, at least for me, I wake up and I think of one of those people and I still, years later, wish it was just a joke. Something I could fix with a quick call on the cell phone and talk about how odd that fake funeral of theirs back in whatever year was, I’ll avoid using actual dates, for the same reason.

Though I must say, I can’t help but feel that this idea that talking about them, talking about their death, lets call it what it is for once instead of using the word loss or passing, is somehow wrong of me. To call it attention seeking, would likely be adequate, to some extent. Even if it only is for my own attention, to draw my own eye to my scars that somehow popped open, we all share things in hopes people will care. There is, in my mind, nothing wrong with that, and this sense of shaming that we have, that “oh they used their loss to get attention” is such the wrong way to approach it.

They wanted attention, needed attention because they hurt, it is not somehow wrong to need attention, to need help. To want someone to talk to you and really, truly care. That’s just being human, being alive.

So really, what I guess I want to say is if you’re grieving, while my loss is likely not the same as yours, and perhaps not as recent, I have scars from that too, and I can say in all honest that I do care, and that I feel that when people have reached the point that they, not in so many words but in actions, feel it is time to move on, to get on with your life and stop crying, I have to say that’s just utter bullshit.

Yes, you should continue living, it would be doing the one’s we lost a disservice to their memory, and it would be doing irreparable harm to the ones still alive to do otherwise.

Move on however? How? How long does it take to move on? I’ll admit I sure as hell haven’t, not completely, but how long is too long? Is there a list? Check here and fill out form b 112? That’s not how it works, that’s not how life works, no matter how many people want or wish it would behave otherwise. You grieve, as you need to, you try to find all those pieces that might be shattered and missing, and put that back together as well as you can as you try to keep going forward, regardless of how heavy that weight is, and you do what is right for you. I can’t say for sure if you ever stop hurting or not, I can say there are days you don’t think about it quite so much, life has a way of taking your mind off the past, but there is also days were I at least, feel almost guilty, for still going forward, for trying to move past that point in my life, and I turn around and I see it and I realize they never got the chance to move on, they stopped, that was it.

So you grieve as YOU need to grieve, and take the time it takes YOU to put yourself back together, and  when you’re finally able to move forward because YOU are ready to take that step, make it known, ask those around you for the support you need and take that step. Share your grief and pain, make sure you’re not alone unless you truly need the solitude, and if you do need it, make sure you remember you don’t have to be alone. Also though, remember that just because someone else thinks you should be ready to start being OK again does not mean you have to agree.

 

That’s really all I wanted to say, I blame books for this but I just had to get this off me, it was weighing me down. Thanks for reading, and I do hope you find the way that is your way.

 

 

Thoughts on Doubt – Reasons for Lack

Granted, I’ll admit lately I’ve been wondering about the quality of my works, looking at my previous works and wondering if they weren’t childish in some way or shape, and debating if that doesn’t mean that anything I make will seem as such, as if written by a child in crayon attempting to pretend its really the black ink of a fine tipped pen. Doubt, I find, is such an insidious thing that comes from the most unlikely, and rather odd places. Comments from friends, meant to be friendly or somehow just, rather than doubting a word of advice can twist in the shadows of ones mind, causing that leviathan to rise up from inside one’s self, only to gnaw and feast on what little confidence one might have as it whispers spiteful phrases and points to all those things you’ve done wrong, all those things you’ve noticed yourself, and then points to those that say you’re good, and reminds you, that perhaps they simply feel obligated to say as much, to say such empty praise to a friend to make sure they don’t feel, wronged, in some way. The empty polite words offered in a misguided kindness rather than in bright, painful truth.

Perhaps this simply means I should write more, write of the slaying of my own demons, those twisted things that whisper of horror and violence, the same things that grant me inspiration but cause me to feel that my stories, my poems and words lack the emotion needed to carry a true tale along. You see, I’ve debated on trying to submit some of my shorter stories, or writing new ones for submission, to those publications that might find them as I do, but I can’t help but fear that shadowed leviathan that dwells within me, that voice that tells me to doubt for I’ve no reason to believe. However, again, I’ve no recourse but to believe, but to proceed and walk forward for going back is not an option and well, if one story fails for a time I suppose one might say that failure is limited, it is not the fault of the publisher not finding it worthy, it something flawed that simply must be polished more I suppose.

True failure is not found in the lack of success, but in the lack of any attempt to succeed at all, and in the face of that knowledge, I suppose doubt is nothing more than a shadowed whisper upon the wind, barely there and nothing to pay heed to past the acknowledgment of knowing ones flaws, and attempting as best one may to correct these.

Busy Plans

Some college stuff to get done, and going into work soon but I’ll have a new post tonight I’m fairly sure. Also, feel free to find me on twitter @zip0186.

Myself as a Wounded Gamer

I am not only a writer, I am also a gamer, and there is currently something going on in mainstream media I find deeply offensive, and wrong in many ways. Some are claiming, falsely in my mind, that somehow gamers like myself are violent, misogynistic individuals that feel entitled to certain things. Never mind the fact that I fail to see how I can classify as misogynistic I have never once felt entitled. Why else would I make a place for my writings? Now this might not be something those that follow my posts want to see, it may even lose me some followers and gain me some hateful messages from what I’ve seen happen to those on twitter and the like, but I stand true in my thoughts and opinions as I say that what they are seeing is something that they want to see. They want the problems to exist with these people, with people like myself, so that they have cause to “fix” things in their image of “right”, now I have not, nor will I mention the names of the people that want such things as this is not an attack on them or those that believe them simply my side of the story. I am currently enrolled in college, and I have been in college now since June or so, though I have gone before and had to put it on hold for financial reasons. I’ve held a steady but minimum wage job for three years, I have few friends outside of gaming in real life as honestly going out has never appealed to me. However what they are doing is alienating me and those that share my past time even further by saying such things, by attacking my character by attacking the whole they paint me a villain. I hold this to be untrue, as all I want to do is play my games, write my stories and poems and live a nice quiet life. These people that act a victim for the press have made me feel hurt, saddened by these things. They claim things like “The Patriarchy” and that those that are male and play games will resort to threats and violence to get their way, but thats just a few people with a louder voice, their words ring out to many due to the wrongness of the message. Threats and fear are not the way for change, and that’s exactly what they’re trying to do, instead of going the slower, but morally correct route of change from within they are making this a political issue and painting villains of those that play games. Simply search #gamergate (Where the true issue was gaming press mind you, and the lack of journalism ethics in that field.) and you’ll find what I mean. I’ve recently found that apparently Law and Order is doing an episode with #gamergate painted as terrorists, and this wounds me, near to the point of tears. Being hated, or seeing hatred and fear pointed at those of you that simply share a past time is, painful. To do this, to do such things, is wrong, to force an opinion on others via mass media and victimization, while crying out as a victim yourself, is wrong. The people doing this do not see that they are using the few to identify the many, when the few are exactly that. There are many people on the internet, there are many people playing games, and some of them won’t be good people, some of them might be good people with bad intents, bad moments or bad feelings can give birth to worse words and in tense situations such things do tend to happen. This is not an excuse, but I still feel that out of the people I know that play games, many of them are good, upstanding people, are we all villains now? It feels that people are intent to see those of us that identify as a gamer as such a thing. It hurts, rather greatly, in a truly saddening way to be ostracized so, it does not make me less of a gamer though. I will not sacrifice myself, and what makes me happy, simply to appease others. No one should, no one should ever have to, it should not be something that becomes necessary. I play games like League of Legends, and Baldur’s Gate, things like Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft. I am active on several MUDs as well (multi user dungeon, text based thing.) and to see my past time so disparaged, done such disservice, hurts me deeply.  I am not emotional-less, as can be evidenced by my writings I think it is obvious that I feel, and I feel deeply at that. I feel I have been wronged and slandered, and while I hesitant to say as such I feel that in going about it this way, those out there like me, and there has to be more in similar states as me or worse even, would appreciate at least an apology. Instead of attacking us, and that is what this is doing regardless of them meaning it as such or not, talk to those like myself and others, see reason and explain to us why? Why do these things? What did gamers, apparently as a whole, do to you to deserve such pain?  This is obviously just a personal view on this, what I’ve sadly taken from these events is hurt. I felt the need to vent and decided I might as well do such things here.

So…been a while friends.

It’s been a bit, uh, back in college, for English, so that should say some of the why of the whole MIA here. As for what I’m working on currently, there isn’t really much, as it stands I’m rather bouncing between some of my stories stuck on which one to actually work on. Also thought about trashing the whole deal and just starting something new, something I haven’t tried before and going and running off the cliff with it and hoping it suddenly grow wings or I learn to levitate or some such. Well that’s it for this post, and I’ll actually do better on keeping this thing up to date from now on. This has actually, even just this little bit, has been rather helpful.

Thanks for reading! Take it easy and have a good one!

Bren

AND IM BACK!

Nothing new, been busy, getting into college and what not. HOWEVER! I’m starting to get my ideas bouncing around and being all chatty so I’ll probably have something to write….eventually soonish kinda, I hope.

Working on the whole poetry book idea tho, it’s taking a bit but it’s started at least. Also started editing some old stories in the same world setting, the whole huntsman World of Pandora thing, and setting up a short story series book kinda deal.

So ya, not dead, had a bit of lost faith in the whole me writing then I remembered well, I can’t not write, it’s not me, and while it sounds stupid, I am very much myself, and as such, I’m a writer. Hopefully not one who should hide his work in the attic so it doesn’t burn someone’s mind to dust, but at the end of the day, that’s just part of me, even if it is bad, hehe.

Well, thats it, thanks for reading, thanks for being here, hopefully I’ll have more for all of you wonderful people soon, and well, I hope you feel wonderful, you should always feel at least semi wonderful, maybe not quite fine AND dandy, but at least fine or dandy. (If anyone gets that you’re amazing, and have awesome taste in comedians)

Have a good one, be it morning, afternoon or night, have a good one!

Laterz

Bren

Ugh

Work headaches and exhaustion, I should be able to have something to share soon, just, empty on ideas at the moment. Sorry everyone, have good one, day or night.