Shifting moods like shifting shades, greys and whites drifting together as black shadows of ink run down the page.
Shifting moods like shifting shades, like the changing shape of molded clay, unfinished and unrefined, I’m constantly shifting, this unsteady mind of mine.
So I attempt to change my colors, and shift this shade, I’ll alter this picture with the words put down on a page.
I’ll capture my sorrow, that deep grey tone, I’ll capture my fear, that inky black I’ve always known, I’ll paint my self free with these words of mine, since I can’t pick up the brush I’ll use this pen to put upon the finished touch.
I see my muse, that sorrow I know, and I’ll raise the stakes, I’ll write myself free of this dreary state. I’ll let myself go with these words to change these shifting moods.
My shifting shades.
I don’t usually write a message or an after thought on my poems. Normally my poems are just things I have to get out of my head when I’m in a particular mood. It’s amusing I suppose that I try to tell people that I don’t normally have much inspiration past the thoughts in my head, the things going on and I feel must be said. This time though I can’t quite claim that, I can say quite clearly this came to mind after reading a rather wonderful piece by the author of this wordpress briannadawn. I wanted to be honest on that part because I feel reading that and then immediately posting that without at least a nod to them would have been rude. (Should the author of that page want the link and mention removed I’ll do so, I’ve never really done this before but I tend to keep to myself normally so I’m not really sure how these things work.)
You see my friend the voices are back, they chat and whisper so.
They show me shadows, the twists in the light and tell me secrets only they do know.
They feed on sorrow, this pain I know so well, and turn this to words and worlds, stories and poems to share and tell.
The sorrow is my mistress, my creator and my muse, without I’d be little at all, it defines me so.
I see my friends and they shine so bright, their life does hold such glow.
I look to them and take a step before I see my shadow encroach upon their show, their star lit scene.
I turn my head and retrace my step, to go for help, to ask for aid would douse that light I hold so dear.
So with head hung low and defeat upon my shoulders and fear gnashing on my heels,I dash my tears and retrace my step.
I turn my back and fade to black, I know that light, that bright love for life, is something I could never know.
I’ll taint their glow with so selfish a need and so…and so my pain is something they’ll never know, as off to the dark I go, carrying my tears and sadness I walk into that cold
By myself, alone.
I shudder and shake, my skin is no home
My body is no shrine
Unless you count it as defiled, this despairing temple of mine.
Cracking foundations and crumbling walls
Haunted hallways hide nothing at all
My words echo throughout this failing facade
My form does crack as the laughter moves on
No, my skin is no home and my mind is not safe
Not when it’s my words, my own thoughts
That so haunt me when I’m awake
My own voice does mock, my own fist does pain
No, my body is no temple, for it’s been defiled, degraded
And it was my own self that did cause this fate.
They talk that chatter, they’re all a twitter
With no chatter without laughter it me that is the joke
Me they mock, make of fun, and deride
Yet behind the laughter I hear their darkness
The sobs and scars they hide
All are harmed, none are safe
Even the laughing voices behind my eyes
The voices that deride, and tear me down
Even as I cry inside.
A pitiful pittance, a poor little portion,
Doubly damned and definitely doubting,
Faltering, floundering, assuredly a failure.
Damned and doubting and defiantly deplorable,
Just drowning in despair.
Please help me I’m drowning I cry and none can hear
I’m faltering and failing, falling ever faster
Drowning in the open air.
So I go to smoke, and make my words do such a dance,
Perhaps the drifting curls of heat will put me in a trance,
Seeing the wind take the remnants of burning breath away
Might put some light inside my mind, renew some hope for the day.