Symphony of Self

Maybe the burning in my skull would stop and the words would pause for a time.

The strings that pulls my soul apart would grow lax and then my life would once again be mine.

This stained painted glass of a fragmented self, colored to mix the matching pains. To fit with pieces beside and not a single one the same.

A convoluted cacophony of violence and agony, a chorus of a broken soul, rendered still and un-moving, a symphony of self, a song of me,  these words are what they show, in all my hubris and twisted glory.

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Searching for My End

Friends I’m sorry, but I’ve gone to meet my End. I found it within my room, weeping upon my bed, head buried in their hands. I could only ask the reason why, oh dear End of mine do you weep for what must be?

In response they told me I have found you, you have met your End and now your life is done. It is not the way it supposed to go, not the time that was chosen to be. Alas you met your End ahead of schedule, before the appointed time and it is your head that this fault lies for you sought me out this time.

I did indeed find my end, but only after seeking death. This grim old man with a friendly smile, all dressed in black. He stood about four feet high and had but a single tooth and yet he smiled so happily, this grandfather so grim. I told him what I sought and he shook his head.

You need not me you foolish boy, you’re looking for your end. You’ll find them one day and we’ll meet, but not before you’ve lived so long that we might meet as friends. Yet still I pestered and persisted and he shook his and said you mortals all the same, twins in death for you’re born with your end. You’ll see them when time is right, that life before your eyes. It’s not a life you remember but one that was left inside. So search out your end and call it by name, you’ll find it sure enough, but you’ll die that same day. Tell me this you foolish tired boy, why search at all, why look for your end? What makes you wish for the rest my death grants, that black oblivion?

I could only respond with a sad smile to the question of that old man, for my tears are dust on ashen skin, my eyes are wide with lack of sleep, I’m world weary and cannot eat. The screaming in my head is more than I can take, so I wish that my End can silence it for my sake.

This is pain has grown to great and I can’t bare it on my own. So I’ll bear it not at all for it’s my pain and I’m a selfish soul, I know not how to share it, for it’s all I own. All that’s left of me to give for I’ve given all I can, my happiness and my smiles, my laughter and my sorrow.

All that’s left to me is my pain, and I hold it close to my chest. I’ll give it to my end, and carry this burden with me into my rest. So I’ve met my End and it’s time to go, I’ve not got long to finish this story truth be told.

So I’ll finish it here and worry not my friends, as I wrote this I’ve managed something I’ve not managed in the last ten years at least. I smiled again, once last time, for you all to see, as I go to rest and sweet silence be left be, free of that screaming, that burning agony that resides in my mind.

Final Friend (Warning: Deals With Suicide)

I see the shadows on the wall, to think I almost had it all. I found my path, set the date to see success and keep my friends, to have a family, a life with gifts to give.

To think I let it go, for that darkness I saw behind, for the shadow my pride set upon my path. The darkness that blotted the light, hidden by arrogance.

I never met my success, I lost my friends to lies, my family broken apart while on this shattered ground I lie, my only date, my only fate the rope within my grip.

This twisted root which sees not my arrogance, never mind my pride, my sins it can hold, my grief it can bare while it robs me of breathe and blessed air.

My final partner, my last friend, this noose here within my hand, it judges not though I judge myself and see my hubris and my greed, and so, without anger and without rue, it’s myself I now set to hang.

I’ve burnt my bridges, wasted my skill, there is nothing left to life for me, but one last dance, without a partner I go, to defy the gravity that brought me so low.

Nothing that rises can stay within the air, all must fall, never fated to simply hang there.

As it stands my fall has happened, my life is done, so to those that remember, to those that might care.

I bid you adieu, and I’m sorry I failed.

I’m sorry the writing I was so fond of was the first stick upon my pyre, the spark that started the fire.

I apologize, for what it’s worth, to say goodbye in such a way is not what you deserve but I see nothing else left for me but this meeting with a rope a final dance upon air in sudden silence with nothing there, nothing but me.

Alone.

With not but my sins, my thoughts, and this rope for company.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Author’s Note~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I won’t say much here but I will say that I’m as fine as can be expected. This is a poem brought about due to late listening, ennui, and well, depression. However, a poem written is not a noose made.

As it stands however I will add that suicide for anyone contemplating it seriously, isn’t the path to go. I can quite honestly say that sticking around and finding a way out of the situation that leaves you so depressed is far preferable to simply ending it. If you don’t see a way out on your talk to someone, sometimes being to close to a thing means you miss the forest for the tree, you’re only seeing one path because you feel there is no other path.

Remember also there is the suicide prevention hotline, that’s not just something to call when you’re almost there and having second thoughts, if you’re having ANY serious thoughts, call and talk to them. They’re volunteers, it means they’re there because they DO care, and they can’t tell anyone what you say. I’ll admit, I’ve called a few times in the past, and it helped immensely just to talk to someone, to air my problems to someone who I didn’t have to worry about judging me.

Also remember, above all else, you’re not alone. It’s easy to assume that your problems are the worst things in the world because we see everything through the only view point we know, ours.

Other people can sympathize and help and are often quite more willing to do then one might expect when in this kind of situation. (I know it’s hard to believe other people care at times, I get there myself, but they do. Rare is the person who’s truly alone. And if you are truly alone, feel free to send me a message)

Also, just because it’s the internet and I don’t want anyone thinking otherwise, I am NOT a medical professional. Any advice I give is the advice of someone who cares and has experienced this, not the advice of a medical professional. If you feel you have depression, please, please see someone or talk about it with someone. (There that’s covered) Link for the site for the hotline down below, along with their number.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ – 1-800-273-8255

 

Echoes & Currents/Wanderer’s Demon

Echoes and currents of thoughts and ideas, of dreams that died and words left unsaid.

The regrets that haunt my sleep and rattle around inside my head.

Ephemeral currents of sadness too deep, of happiness unknown, and this anger I keep.

It’s like a ghost on my shoulder, the demon that speaks, it provides unspeakable inspiration, yet the cost is too steep.

The exile is lonely, the wanderer is cold, I stumble through this night, and all I want…

All I want is a home.

I am Silent Within the Sound

I walked into the sound, cold lapping out my feet and silence all around.

I walked into the sound, it’s about at my waist now, my problems back at shore and silence all around as I walked that misty morn out into the sound.

The water calm, my heart is still, the sound surrounds, the waves above me now.

All I am is silence deep within the sound, no problems, no worries, my weight is back at shore.

I hope, those that knew me, might forgive me once more.

Corner to the End 

​I stand once more at the corner to the end and I find myself filled with dread, I fear this is it my friend.

 The shadows are closing in and I can hear the bell that tolls. I’ll ask not for whom it rings, I fear that answer I already know. 

So this I say my last good bye, I’m sorry I could not stay to watch those happy years roll by. I could not stand the sun on my face for I was looking over my shoulder at that darkness that was quickly keeping pace. I could not laugh nor sing or play for I saw the pain my passing day would bring.

 So here I stand at the corner to the end and say this tearful good bye. I think of you and find that all I can do is cry.

Goodbye