Awkward and Odd – Lines

I’m an awkward person, with an odd sort of mind.

From time to time, I’ll cross a line.

I don’t mean to offend, the intent to harm isn’t mine.

I’m an awkward person, with an odd sort of mind.

I’ll talk out of turn, or say something forward. Still…

I don’t mean to offend, the thought to harm or alarm is not what’s on my mind.

It’s awkward and strange and an odd sort of place, that place behind my eyes.

I’ll step across that line, I’ll offend from time to time.

Without intent, I dare say that no harm was meant, no cause for alarm was offered though it was taken all the same.

I’m an odd sort of person, with an awkward frame of mind, I might step across the line, but I didn’t see it there, with my gaze up in the air.

Consider this an apology if you must, a way of saying sorry for a skewed perception of me, for I can’t say I consider myself mean.

As an awkward person with an odd frame of mind, I can’t be blamed for miscommunication, for lack of conversation that would otherwise show me, tell me when to draw back as I’m about to cross that line, your mind isn’t mine, how would I know to pull back when it was you who drew the line?

You who decided where to take offense and where to make a friend? With no intent to harm I offered my words freely, you took them as knives to wound you dearly and silenced the words completely.

Takes this as you will, but despite my crossing your line, for which I did apologize.

In ignoring me, you have crossed one of mine.

Remember, you’re not alone.

While I don’t talk about it much, and I tend to not share personal thoughts, I can say that I have my some issues to deal with up inside my skull. I don’t like voicing them outside of poems, not in such a public forum I suppose, it strikes me as complaining and the voice in the back of my head tends to rail at about how little I have to complain about.

I’ll be honest, if my head wasn’t on a bit wrong I wouldn’t have much to talk about, but then my muse wouldn’t be much of a muse then either I think. Which might be something to look into at another time. However, while that’s all well and good, I wanted to talk about that little voice that, to some extent I feel everyone has, self doubt I suppose? Louder for some than others but it’s there, and some have it worse with the level of, cruelty exhibited, but to some extent everyone gets jabbed by something like it I feel. If I’m wrong feel free to correct me here, but others deal with it more regularly than some, and for others it’s always there. I know that’s to a large extent true for me.

Now this isn’t so much about complaining, or saying I have it bad, I deal with the cards I got, I can’t change the hand I’m dealt so I might as well make it work. Granted I’m in a bit of a zen mood at the moment, the fact it won’t last is a forgone conclusion, but all of this has something I’m leading up to.

Just remember, you’re not alone in this, if you’re ever having issues, any issues, talk to someone, write it out, do something, even if its going for a walk to somewhere away from people to just scream out the frustration of it all, do something. It helps me at least, to find a way to get it all out.

I just wanted to say that, and to share a bit of a gem I found that I really like and is fitting for this subject anyway. It’s a song by a YouTuber that goes by Chris Ray Gun the song being “Reality Calls” and well, listen to it, it’s pretty fitting all around for the experiences I’ve gone through with my problems anyway. I don’t know if that’s true for your experiences, but I hope, whatever problems you’re going through, big or small, they all get sorted out. (Linked video below)

Reality Calls by Chris Ray Gun

On Preconceived Notions and Utter Bullshit

I’m honestly not sure if the title to this post is even remotely acceptable but its not going to be another poem, I feel like actually talking today so here we go.

People seem to have a lot of preconceived notions on how others should deal with their emotions. How someone should love, how someone should show they care.

How someone should grieve, how and for what reasons they’re allowed to be sad or even depressed.

I’ll tell you right now, its all bullshit. People, some people, not everyone but some, have this idea that bad things happen and then you just, restart, hit that little button on the side power back up and put a smile on.

That doesn’t always work. There are days, there are days where I think to myself, I’ll admit, I grieve, for being my idea of a fuck up. I don’t know how to even start going about fixing it. There are days that I look at myself, and I wonder where did the me that loved actually living go off to die and replace him with this drone that carries on?

There are some things, some losses in my life, that I don’t feel fully comfortable sharing on a public forum. It seems far too much like attention seeking for my sense of comfort, but I will say, that when you lose someone, that doesn’t stop, it doesn’t end. That process, that grieving process people say comes to a close eventually? It never REALLY does, there are days that, at least for me, I wake up and I think of one of those people and I still, years later, wish it was just a joke. Something I could fix with a quick call on the cell phone and talk about how odd that fake funeral of theirs back in whatever year was, I’ll avoid using actual dates, for the same reason.

Though I must say, I can’t help but feel that this idea that talking about them, talking about their death, lets call it what it is for once instead of using the word loss or passing, is somehow wrong of me. To call it attention seeking, would likely be adequate, to some extent. Even if it only is for my own attention, to draw my own eye to my scars that somehow popped open, we all share things in hopes people will care. There is, in my mind, nothing wrong with that, and this sense of shaming that we have, that “oh they used their loss to get attention” is such the wrong way to approach it.

They wanted attention, needed attention because they hurt, it is not somehow wrong to need attention, to need help. To want someone to talk to you and really, truly care. That’s just being human, being alive.

So really, what I guess I want to say is if you’re grieving, while my loss is likely not the same as yours, and perhaps not as recent, I have scars from that too, and I can say in all honest that I do care, and that I feel that when people have reached the point that they, not in so many words but in actions, feel it is time to move on, to get on with your life and stop crying, I have to say that’s just utter bullshit.

Yes, you should continue living, it would be doing the one’s we lost a disservice to their memory, and it would be doing irreparable harm to the ones still alive to do otherwise.

Move on however? How? How long does it take to move on? I’ll admit I sure as hell haven’t, not completely, but how long is too long? Is there a list? Check here and fill out form b 112? That’s not how it works, that’s not how life works, no matter how many people want or wish it would behave otherwise. You grieve, as you need to, you try to find all those pieces that might be shattered and missing, and put that back together as well as you can as you try to keep going forward, regardless of how heavy that weight is, and you do what is right for you. I can’t say for sure if you ever stop hurting or not, I can say there are days you don’t think about it quite so much, life has a way of taking your mind off the past, but there is also days were I at least, feel almost guilty, for still going forward, for trying to move past that point in my life, and I turn around and I see it and I realize they never got the chance to move on, they stopped, that was it.

So you grieve as YOU need to grieve, and take the time it takes YOU to put yourself back together, and  when you’re finally able to move forward because YOU are ready to take that step, make it known, ask those around you for the support you need and take that step. Share your grief and pain, make sure you’re not alone unless you truly need the solitude, and if you do need it, make sure you remember you don’t have to be alone. Also though, remember that just because someone else thinks you should be ready to start being OK again does not mean you have to agree.

 

That’s really all I wanted to say, I blame books for this but I just had to get this off me, it was weighing me down. Thanks for reading, and I do hope you find the way that is your way.

 

 

Myself as a Wounded Gamer

I am not only a writer, I am also a gamer, and there is currently something going on in mainstream media I find deeply offensive, and wrong in many ways. Some are claiming, falsely in my mind, that somehow gamers like myself are violent, misogynistic individuals that feel entitled to certain things. Never mind the fact that I fail to see how I can classify as misogynistic I have never once felt entitled. Why else would I make a place for my writings? Now this might not be something those that follow my posts want to see, it may even lose me some followers and gain me some hateful messages from what I’ve seen happen to those on twitter and the like, but I stand true in my thoughts and opinions as I say that what they are seeing is something that they want to see. They want the problems to exist with these people, with people like myself, so that they have cause to “fix” things in their image of “right”, now I have not, nor will I mention the names of the people that want such things as this is not an attack on them or those that believe them simply my side of the story. I am currently enrolled in college, and I have been in college now since June or so, though I have gone before and had to put it on hold for financial reasons. I’ve held a steady but minimum wage job for three years, I have few friends outside of gaming in real life as honestly going out has never appealed to me. However what they are doing is alienating me and those that share my past time even further by saying such things, by attacking my character by attacking the whole they paint me a villain. I hold this to be untrue, as all I want to do is play my games, write my stories and poems and live a nice quiet life. These people that act a victim for the press have made me feel hurt, saddened by these things. They claim things like “The Patriarchy” and that those that are male and play games will resort to threats and violence to get their way, but thats just a few people with a louder voice, their words ring out to many due to the wrongness of the message. Threats and fear are not the way for change, and that’s exactly what they’re trying to do, instead of going the slower, but morally correct route of change from within they are making this a political issue and painting villains of those that play games. Simply search #gamergate (Where the true issue was gaming press mind you, and the lack of journalism ethics in that field.) and you’ll find what I mean. I’ve recently found that apparently Law and Order is doing an episode with #gamergate painted as terrorists, and this wounds me, near to the point of tears. Being hated, or seeing hatred and fear pointed at those of you that simply share a past time is, painful. To do this, to do such things, is wrong, to force an opinion on others via mass media and victimization, while crying out as a victim yourself, is wrong. The people doing this do not see that they are using the few to identify the many, when the few are exactly that. There are many people on the internet, there are many people playing games, and some of them won’t be good people, some of them might be good people with bad intents, bad moments or bad feelings can give birth to worse words and in tense situations such things do tend to happen. This is not an excuse, but I still feel that out of the people I know that play games, many of them are good, upstanding people, are we all villains now? It feels that people are intent to see those of us that identify as a gamer as such a thing. It hurts, rather greatly, in a truly saddening way to be ostracized so, it does not make me less of a gamer though. I will not sacrifice myself, and what makes me happy, simply to appease others. No one should, no one should ever have to, it should not be something that becomes necessary. I play games like League of Legends, and Baldur’s Gate, things like Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft. I am active on several MUDs as well (multi user dungeon, text based thing.) and to see my past time so disparaged, done such disservice, hurts me deeply.  I am not emotional-less, as can be evidenced by my writings I think it is obvious that I feel, and I feel deeply at that. I feel I have been wronged and slandered, and while I hesitant to say as such I feel that in going about it this way, those out there like me, and there has to be more in similar states as me or worse even, would appreciate at least an apology. Instead of attacking us, and that is what this is doing regardless of them meaning it as such or not, talk to those like myself and others, see reason and explain to us why? Why do these things? What did gamers, apparently as a whole, do to you to deserve such pain?  This is obviously just a personal view on this, what I’ve sadly taken from these events is hurt. I felt the need to vent and decided I might as well do such things here.

So…been a while friends.

It’s been a bit, uh, back in college, for English, so that should say some of the why of the whole MIA here. As for what I’m working on currently, there isn’t really much, as it stands I’m rather bouncing between some of my stories stuck on which one to actually work on. Also thought about trashing the whole deal and just starting something new, something I haven’t tried before and going and running off the cliff with it and hoping it suddenly grow wings or I learn to levitate or some such. Well that’s it for this post, and I’ll actually do better on keeping this thing up to date from now on. This has actually, even just this little bit, has been rather helpful.

Thanks for reading! Take it easy and have a good one!

Bren

AND IM BACK!

Nothing new, been busy, getting into college and what not. HOWEVER! I’m starting to get my ideas bouncing around and being all chatty so I’ll probably have something to write….eventually soonish kinda, I hope.

Working on the whole poetry book idea tho, it’s taking a bit but it’s started at least. Also started editing some old stories in the same world setting, the whole huntsman World of Pandora thing, and setting up a short story series book kinda deal.

So ya, not dead, had a bit of lost faith in the whole me writing then I remembered well, I can’t not write, it’s not me, and while it sounds stupid, I am very much myself, and as such, I’m a writer. Hopefully not one who should hide his work in the attic so it doesn’t burn someone’s mind to dust, but at the end of the day, that’s just part of me, even if it is bad, hehe.

Well, thats it, thanks for reading, thanks for being here, hopefully I’ll have more for all of you wonderful people soon, and well, I hope you feel wonderful, you should always feel at least semi wonderful, maybe not quite fine AND dandy, but at least fine or dandy. (If anyone gets that you’re amazing, and have awesome taste in comedians)

Have a good one, be it morning, afternoon or night, have a good one!

Laterz

Bren

Current Projects

Well, currently, I’m working on a few things, some are on hold due to my general mood lately, as it stands the happier things I’m working on would not end up being happy, admittedly happy is hard for me to write, I am a pessimist after all. As for the other things, well, one I have plans for but haven’t really started as of yet, and the third I just recently had an idea to start so its still in the planning stage of things.

In the order of my, eh, admittedly haphazard priority, I’ll list and explain them, well a little bit anyway.

First, a simple unfinished rough draft of a love story called The Rain, a bit of a fated story that actually features, well, I list this more as a warning then as it being a feature (I’ve never felt it mattered but some do so well, here’s the warning.) It’s main characters are both female, it is a LOVE STORY, not a paperback porno, though I’ll admit as a writer those take skill to write I feel it’s the wrong genre for me, let alone for what I’m trying to go for with this story. Also in my personal opinion such things distracts from the over all idea of the characters to some people and limits your audience quite a bit. I’ll understand if you find such a thing isn’t something you’d read, but I hope it more because such things don’t strike your interest instead of some other, decidedly unsavory (in my opinion), reasons.

The second, which is more busy work then honest writing, is a poetry book. This is something I would like to put up some where for a fairly cheap price. It is, after all, my goal to live off my writings so it’d be a start anyway. However, as its more busy work then and editing I’ll admit I’ve been putting it off for my previous project, since it’s on hold until I can write something semi happy without killing someone off, I’ll likely be doing this some time soon.

The third, and possibly most ambitious project, would likely require more focus then the other two so I’d like to get those somewhere nearing completion or at least to where I’m satisfied with putting them on hold for a time. A text based game, of some sort, perhaps horror, perhaps romance, not sure yet, it might be amusing to see if I couldn’t do a combination of the two, a group thrown into a horrific setting, the player’s decisions making for both survival and perhaps some sort of happiness in whatever chaotic hell hole they find themselves in. Likely, as I do have some knowledge of flash, though of an older platform then the current one, I’ll likely try it with that first but, before I do any programming or the like I’d like to get the main scenario and characters roughed out, as well as player choices. I never did care for straight lines in such games, the first choices should come with the making of your character, as such the main character will likely be getting the most development before I do anything else, but, as I said, due to how extensive and ambitious this project will be I’ll likely at least get my poetry book together first.

As a side note, perhaps I’ll sound a tad bit offensive hear, but, if you have constructive criticism or benign posts on my current tasks, feel free, feel more then free, to post them. I obviously try to at least somewhat moderate the posts that get through, as such, posts I feel are too, how to say, cruel perhaps, will not be approved. I say this less because I think it will happen and more because this is the internet and trolls do exist, sadly enough, as do honest people who seem to not know better, again, not because I assume any of these unsavory types frequent my blog.

That’s all of it for now, thanks for reading! Really, thanks, and thanks for checking my posts, sorry if anything I said may have eh, been taken the wrong way, I honestly do think that most of the people I’ve seen check or like my posts seem like rather well rounded individuals, considering I’ve never gotten a single offensive comment. Just, some things seem to make some people a tad bit, cruel, I guess is a good way to put it. I do hope I didn’t word anything wrong here and end up insulting my readers but part of me felt it was needed, and I’m nothing if not honest with myself.

Have a good day/night! Thanks again for reading!

Bren