Depression and other things. (Rant)

This is more akin to a, shall we say journal entry then anything else. Hell, it might just sound like I’m bitching here so feel free to avoid this if you want to.

Cause you’d be right, I am, but still.

Now lets see, I’m bipolar, but it’s not that bad, I mean I know its not cause I can tell when the changes come and when i’m going from low point to high one and so on. It’s type two they said, less extreme. Bit of a back story for you there. No I’m not saying this like I’m proud, nor am I asking for any, well honestly I just want to push it off my chest. Things I think up, things I don’t let go of, it eats at me, like anything else. Figured might as well put it on here If I’m writing it out.

There is moments, the worst moments, some might know these, have you ever felt so alone, so devoid of anyone who cares in your life that everything hurts? Just thinking hurts, because you feel that you are utterly and truly alone? If you have then you have my sympathies, it’s some of the worst pain emotionally I know. If not, well, I truly hope you never do, it’s not something I’d go around wishing upon people.

That pain came upon me before I started writing this, writing helps me think. My mind is not exactly a happy go lucky place, if you’ve read some of my other things, so it’s nice to get some of the thoughts out of my head. As it stands right now, just thinking this out helps. I mean, I know I’m not alone, but there is a difference between knowing and feeling.

The key really, to, surviving, I hesitate to say make it through because I don’t know if it goes away for good or not, I don’t know if there some magical cure all out there for it, but surviving is easy. Find something outside of yourself to live for, for one, if you REALLY need to, it’s not the healthiest thing in the world to do but, it works. Secondly, trust what you know, not what you feel, not all the time, it’s odd, strange I know.

Honestly, I’m not mad that I get like this, having, I don’t extreme emotions? In such short spans is, well it certainly keeps things interesting. I’m certainly not in such bad straights to where I think hurting myself is the way to go, though I’ll admit the idea crosses my mind it gets tossed just as quick. I always thought that life will knock me down and beat me up enough that I don’t really need to help it out ya know?

Also, I will say that life on it’s own is rarely automatically good, it doesn’t work that way. The world is not friendly, less so to people that start from day one with problems that will never really go away, and this is why I think I stick around. The only way for it get better is for you to MAKE IT BETTER.

The problem with that one is it’s a hell of a lot harder to do then it is to say or type. It’s hard to make yourself into something you want to be, it’s hard to find that goal, that passion that makes the dark of the world bright enough to bring a smile to your face. Sure life hurts, it’s sad, and I’ve no idea how i got to this from my own problems, perhaps it’s because this is such a part of how I get through.

You know a friend of mine, he used to say something a lot that anymore I find myself truly agreeing with.

Keep on Keeping On

Though, I don’t say that one, the one I personally like best is the only way out is through, because truly the only way from bad to better is to make it through the worse that will surely come in between. It’s always darkest before the dawn and all that right?

So sure, I know I fall down, I fail, I hurt at times and other times I feel so, lost, that I’m sure I’m just walking in circles. Eventually though, I’ll get somewhere, I mean, sure I can be depressed, I can feel worthless, but I have to keep to my hope.

I’m sure without it all those sad thoughts I have would just prove themselves to be right?

Which, well, if that happened I know exactly where I’d be, and it’s a rather grim thought.

So, I’ll hold fast to my hope, keep my lights one and keep putting my foot forward, no point in looking over my shoulder, just means I can’t see where I’m headed.

That’s it, I feel better now, hopefully anyone who reads this finds it interesting enough. Really this was just a rant, something to push out the thoughts, heh, bitching is good for the soul and all that.


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